Late-Night Host Regarding Pete Hegseth: 'A Five-Star Douche'

Late-night hosts summarized Pete Hegseth's unprecedented mandatory meeting for US generals in Virginia, where he railed against "fat troops."

Stephen Colbert

The comedian opened Tuesday's Late Show with a countdown to a federal closure, which would halt numerous critical functions and leave many unemployed. But not everyone – Colbert noted that people deemed essential workers, such as air traffic controllers or TSA agents, must stay on the job, even if it means working without pay. "Which is perfect for anyone who’s ever said ‘I just wish this TSA worker searching me was also frustrated,’" Colbert quipped.

He then turned to "more serious" story of the evening: Pete Hegseth gathering top generals at Quantico for an odd address in which Colbert described the defense secretary as a "complete jerk."

Hegseth declared "freedom day" for America’s "fighters" who "kill people and break things for a living."

"I’ll say it: the Democrats have got to turn down the temperature on their violent rhetoric," Colbert remarked.

Hegseth also said there would be "an end to climate focus. No further distractions or confusion. No more debris. As I’ve said before and will say again, we are done with that shit."

"Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear," Colbert mocked. "He! Is! Cool! You know, I hear he has like 10 Playboys under his mattress."

Hegseth encouraged the generals to "speak plainly in simple terms, to highlight the clear issues right in front of us."

Colbert then pointed out the obvious: "Alright, you're awful."

Jimmy Kimmel

The late-night comedian also touched on the government shutdown on Tuesday night. "Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the breakfast bar at Mar-a-Lago," he said. "And Trump is threatening to make irreversible cuts if there’s a shutdown."

"I've experienced a shutdown – it's not permanent," he noted.

Kimmel then made fun of Hegseth's mandatory meeting with generals in Virginia. "Senior officers were recalled in Portland and Washington, DC and called to Quantico for a motivational speech with Pete," he said before a clip of Hegseth bragging: "if our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision and ferocity of the war department. In other words, to our enemies: FAFO."

"He's remarkable," Kimmel deadpanned. "What an address. Usually when a large crowd gather in one room for Pete Hegseth, it’s an intervention."

"But this was a no mercy type of affair," as Hegseth said he’d do away with DEI initiatives in the military, as well as "men in women's clothing" and "fat troops."

"Overweight military leaders are inappropriate in the halls of the Pentagon and leading commands around the country and the world," Hegseth said. "It appears unprofessional."

Kimmel responded with a clip of Trump moving awkwardly. "It's ironic Trump advises on health," he laughed. "That's like the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is."

The Daily Show

On the Daily Show, Ronny Chieng also poked fun at Hegseth's ominous mandatory meeting with US generals. "Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, ok?" he remarked. "Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every US general to a meeting at Quantico."

Chieng then played clips from Hegseth's rant against "fat troops," which he called a "bad look."

"You gathered generals for this? To tell them they’re fat?" he wondered. "Why not comment online? Like ‘hey, congrats general, when are you due?’"

"He shares confidential info, but when it comes to body shaming, he’s like ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how large they are.’"

"Look, I get the military needs to be fit," Chieng continued. "But in defense of fat generals, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be fit enough to play the sport, they just have to fit enough to date a 24-year-old," he said next to a photo of Bill Belichick and his girlfriend.

Hegseth also said he’d ban beards or long hair. "Per Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a dating app – no overweight, no beards and get those women the heck out of my sight," Chieng quipped.

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers recapped Trump’s meeting with the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, at the White House on Monday, where he told reporters that he’s quite sure he could quickly achieve a peace deal in Gaza. "You promised this long ago, ‘quickly’ is no longer in the cards," Meyers said. "That's like endless delays.’"

"This from the guy who couldn’t even end the war in Portland," he remarked, referring to Trump sending military personnel to Portland for little purpose.

Trump also told NBC News that he would suspect that the justice department is investigating the former FBI director, Christopher Wray, "then he winked aggressively," Meyers jested.